(Guys, Jake wasn't lying when he said that this post wasn't written by him haha! It was actually written by me. Since I'm actually becoming a part of the community, I figured I would repost this as myself. I'm excited to join the Idea Shop and look forward to contributing and reading insightful articles from other posters. :] )
We all have had this experience. You’re just minding your own business, secure in the knowledge that you know where everyone in your social circle stands. You know, you have certain people in your social circle who are “just friends”, certain others who you’ll casually flirt with while not expecting any sort of relationship ever, and certain others who you just want to shove up against a wall, preferably in broad daylight in a public place in front of your lousy ex. Everyone’s categorized and stays in their social niches, and life goes on perfectly.
Until someone in your friend zone causes you to have second thoughts about every aspect of your relationship.
You know how it happens. They go out of their way to do something for you which you consider to be really sweet, but of course it’s platonic! Except all your friends, who don’t even know this person, are convinced it’s a sign that that person is madly in love with you and wants to have your babies that very instant.
And then you begin to wonder. Of course, it doesn’t help that you’re oblivious anyway, and perhaps that person does like you and you’re just too dense to see it? And what sort of offspring would your combined genetics produce anyway? Come to think of it, they would turn out rather attractive…
But focus!
You had a crush on this person a long long time ago. But it was a moment of weakness, and it’s over now. But then all of a sudden you see this person after a long time and one thing leads to another…
And somehow you aren’t friends anymore. That safe green zone is now red (red with a mutual blaze of passion that is).
Oh and did I mention you’re not going to see this person again for a long time?
In keeping with the previous posts about what girls look for in guys and vice versa, here’s an important question: when you find your previously platonic relationship changed, how have you responded? How often has this happened? And what are your craziest stories?
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26 comments:
I avoided him for couple of weeks until he got frustrated and confronted me. Then I broke his heart in half by telling him that I'm not interested in him that he's nothing more than a friend. This was a couple of years ago - I think I've matured little bit since then so I'm not sure how I'd react if this were to happen again.
dam that is soooo COLD.
i don't see the point of confronting if you are not going to see this person for a long time...
I think you can usually give signals via body language etc. that you're not interested. There's usually no need to verbally say anything, you just have to avoid eye contact for a while and be off-putting. That usually fixes it. However, it kind of makes the friendship pretty awkward, lol.
but she is not going to see him... how is body language gonna help?
maybe i'm just an idiot...but being a boy, I believe that
1.) only girls place their (boy) friends into categories of just friends and potential "boyfriends".
2.) it wouldn't change a friendship if a girl told me she liked me, but i didn't think it would work (as long as the girl doesn't make it awkward)
Soo, bearing those two in mind, guys just have a scale of their friends who are girls. They are all datable, just some more so than others. Just because you're a friend does not put you at the "prohibited" section of the scale.
Then the only question is where you lie on his scale. Since he showed interest in you before, you were obviously at the top at some point. So, I'd say you're not far from that point now (and being friends for awhile, that means that he truly has gotten to know you...and hasn't run away, which means he likes your personality and being together will be easier).
Second thing might be more controversial. I think that guys don't care if a girl likes them romantically. Keep in mind that everybody is a romantic aspect for guys, so it's nothing weird. So even if he says no, as long as YOU don't see the relationship as changed, you'll be just fine. You'll act just the way you did before with him, and he shouldn't act any different. So you keep your friendship.
In simple terms, there is no such thing as "the friend zone" for guys...and he found/finds you attractive. And you can't lose your friendship...so what have you got to lose? GO FOR IT!
o and welcome =)
joey, ur statements are contradicting. if all girls are datable, then why would some not work? obviously, you prefer to stay in the friend zone with some.
all girls are datable as in being friends has no impact...there are obviously girls i don't want to date.
actually then maybe there's a misunderstanding from my part...can good looking attractive guys be just under the friend category for girls?
Yes, after the initial attraction/liking of him ceases and once she can see his inner qualities. But then again, that COULD lead to either 1) liking him more or 2) appreciating and truly accepting him as a friend and not a possible datable material. But latter part only happens when the guy makes it clear that he's only interested in her as a friend and that he has no other intentions.
i agree w/ the previous comment.
in addition, sometimes we may value friendship more than relationship because we know that friendship lasts forever. when a relationship with a previous friend does not work out, we are not only losing the person as a lover, but also as a friend. no one wants double losses!
So what Joey is saying is that girls put guys in two categories.
1) Friends
2) Boyfriends
These two categories are separate entities and do not cross over. It’s either friendship or boy-friendship. I think this happens when you start dating someone that you do not know. In another word, the relationships were started because someone is shallow.
Realistically it does not have to be like this. So what components are necessary to maintain friendship in a relationship? Friendship is a beautiful thing, but love is the MOST beautiful thing.
A great part of a relationship is about each others need. Is this person enjoyable to have around? Does this person understand your pain? Does this person comfort you with his/her words? Does this person make a constant effort to make things work?
I think the best way to describe this is to use the sun. After billions of years, the sun never says “Earth, you own me for all the care I have provided for you.” This is what it should be in a relationship, but this same thought has to exist in both people. Just think about happens with a love like that! It lights up the whole sky. It provides warmth no matter the time. And it essentially lasts forever.
I don’t think it is wise to date a random person without understanding each other first. I think that a friendship must develop before moving on. By doing this you’ll know the difference between friendship and relationship. By knowing these definitions you can continue on the friendship along the relationship. I mean, by being in a relationship you are essentially making a best friend who you trusts like no others.
Expectations have to right in the beginning. You should continue to speak to the other person like a friend. Once you start to talk differently you loose sight of friendship and it turns into all relationship. Friends can tell friends anything and it should be like this throughout the journey. Friends are not afraid to show a hidden side of them, they are willing to show thoughtfulness, care, and commitment. You can talk through troubles and work through all the confusing times because you care. You will find that by maintaining a friendship in you relationship the two of you are together because you really truly enjoy each other’s company and not because the status of a relationship.
So what happens when the relationship ends? Here we will consider a couple of scenarios.
ONE. The relationship ended because someone cheated. In this case commitment is lost. One side obviously does not respect the other. This is not only a sign of disloyalty in a relationship, but shows that you are a dishonest person who doesn’t deserve to be friends with anybody. This person is not your friend, run; don’t walk away from him/her.
TWO. Lost of interest. This happens when the “honeymoon” period is over. Relationship could move very fast, in the beginning the “love” fire burns bright and with passion, however as time goes on the “honeymoon” phase ends and the relationship gets boring or take an unexpected turn because something happens to the other person. You can keep relationships fun by being thoughtful; if you really care about the other person I’m sure you’ll find a way to keep the fire burning bright. The key points here are expectations. If you WANT to keep the fire burning then you will. If you don’t feel like maintaining the relationship then you have to look back and thing why you started it in the first place. If you guys were good friends previously then you’ll find ways to keep it going, just do what you would do as friends, the fire you burn between friends can be used to fuel the fire in a relationship.
THREE. Compatibility. A great part of a relationship is about each others need. By being a friend you’ll work out these disagreements because you will respect the needs of the other person and you will take interest in the differences because you care. Anyone who says they broke up because they aren’t compatible enough isn’t trying hard enough.
The over all message is that you really have to try to make things work, these things take the works of two people. If can understand, accept, willing to adapt, and willing to try, then I believe things will work out.
:)
why does it sound like any relationship will work if you try?
holy crap Jake, learn to summarize what your saying. I was interested in your post at first, but I go nauseous reading all the paragraphs, lol.
Why thank you Kevin, my writing sucks, I know, I'm work on it.
hmmm, what i was trying to say before is this: although i may be wrong in this assumption...
girls have guys in the "friends" category or "boyfriend" category. Being a "friend" means you are prohibited from being a boyfriend and being in the "boyfriend" category excludes you from the "friend" group...at least until she loses romantic interest. If you do join the friend group from the boyfriend group, it seems like a place of no-return lol.
My second point was that your relationship will not change even if you tell him you like him. This is as long as you don't change your behavior towards him.
So from my standpoint you have nothing to lose and he most likely likes you still (cuz guys just throw everything on the floor...no neat little groups for us =P)
what do you mean that guys just throw everything on the floor?
joke...referring to the way girls have their clothes/men organized into neat little piles while boys just kinda throw their clothes/girls into one big pile
Joey, i don't think it's as clear cut as that. I think guys distinguish between girls that they would date vs. girls they would hook up w/ but not date.
I want to say that I am incredibly persuaded by Joey's comments. I totally agree that men don't have this "friendship" thing with other girls. I think guys would consider friends-who-are girls at least as hook up material.
I love hotlikeatoaster's criticism though. I started cracking up, especially reading all of the stuff that came before it. For guys, its really just two categories:
1. I'd hook up with you
2. I'd date you
Of course the natural conclusion from all this is sort of repulsive: if I'm a guy, and you're a girl, if I don't want to hook up with you I don't want to be friends with you.
as a girl, i somewhat disagree. there's no clear cut between the "just friends" and "potential boyfriends" categories. it's a temporary label and we often use it as an excuse for dating or not dating them.
things change and feelings can therefore also change (for example, 'when someone throws a grenade into the friend zone'). so depending on various factors, we might give it a go or no go.
btw, i'm not speaking for all girls here.
Thanks Jeremy, although obviously I'm not a good writer...i just can't clearly convey an idea :(.
well... then just...
有些话不需要说出口，就已明白
I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing
How you find ideas for articles, I am always lack of new ideas for articles. Some tips would be great
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